Sunday, September 23, 2012
Wedding Blog #1
WHOO!! I found him! His name is Johnie Jesse Rankin and he is just perfect for him. He is very opposite of me, but perfect. Found my wedding dress with my besties on the 22nd of September. We left at 8 to Logan and the girl that helped us was so nice. She was young and not pushy at all. I fell in the with the first one I put on and i got the perfect veil to go with it for free. The dress was $700.. I know not ideal, but not bad considering what I could have paid. ANYWAYS it hit me that it is getting close. SO MUCH TO DO! but it is all exciting. My mom/family is doing all the work for the wedding. I basically just say yes i like or no I don't. I am SO EXCITED!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Time
I wish God would take me home. If heaven is so completely amazing, why are we here? -To show God's love.
A Friend
Let me start out by saying Sam is a long time best friend. I lived with her and another best friend, Rita, that we both grew up with. We all moved to college at different times but we ended up at the same college which is three hours from home, Peta. (a made up city) Our families all live in Peta.
She has really made me so mad this time. I don't ever get mad at people but this time I really am. For two years she as turned me down for homework. I will ask to go on a ten minute walk or hang out, but she can't because of homework. Now, this got frustrating because it was every single time, every single week. A month ago I talked to her about it and she said that "yes, homework is a priority over our friendship." Which is life and I do understand, it kinda stink, but it is life. She doesn't have any grounds to be so furious with me because we couldn't hang out though. We have been the best of friends for about 6 years, and I have known her a lot longer. She has a very servant heart, and I do love that about her. She started to date this guy, Tim, who is 14 years old than her. She was 20, now 21, he is 35. I never put her down because of it and I even encouraged it. They both worked together at a handicap place. Well they got very intimate by their second date. I too had my first boyfriend and we are very close. I have a very good relationship with him, we are going to get married. I knew him 6 months before we started dating and we had been dating for 5 months before she started dating Tim. We included her in everything that first semester when John and I started dating. It was like pulling teeth every time though, because she had homework or had to study and didn't want to go out, but John, my boyfriend, wouldn't let her off. We took her to our Valentines dinner, to movies, to work out, and everything else. We would have date nights in the living room and we told her she could chill with us. We hung out about once every other week when we did big stuff and then we would hang out almost every day just at the apartment. Second semester hit and she got too busy with homework and a few hours a week job. She didn't want to hang out no matter what we said. Then when she started dating Tim, she starting doing things with him, and we saw her even less. Now, because Tim has social anxiety, he didn't want to meet us. Whenever I brought it up she said "ok" but then we never did. She broke up with him two days later. She told John and I they were going to be friends until they could figure out where it was going, but they were still going to hold hands, go on dates, and kiss on the forehead. She told me about how physical they were and I told her my thoughts. I said that she needs to slow it down and if she wants to be friends, she HAS to play the friend part because she doesn't know him that well yet. She replied "yeah I know," but through the conversation I knew nothing would change because just kept saying her relationship was no different from mine. The conversation ended peacefully. Then she spent the night over at his house that night, so I assume they got back together. They continued to break up and get back together for three months. Every time I would try to see if we can all get together they would either, break up, or she would say his social anxiety is too bad. One time she that we couldn't come home, because Tim was there. Then a second time she asked us if we just could stay away from the apartment. I asked if we could go into our rooms and just stay there. She said no. Their relationship continued and she would consistently stay the night there but insist that all she did was study while she was there and he would be in the other room doing things. Which, I told her, I don't care if she stays there I was just wondering where she was. I really didn't care but I am not not so naive to think they never did anything especially because of how physical they were anyways.
Then she texted John a few weeks ago and started to fight with him about Tim. John didn't like how they only take walks and hang out at his house. He said didn't feel right that he was so secretive and that he thought it was weird he was living in his mom's basement. He also didn't like that Tim wouldn't ever be in public with her, which hey, I was on the same page as him. She also started to fight about how we never hang out as a group anymore. Well he said she was cheapening herself for a guy, and obviously, she blew up. Then she immediately started texting me and was mad we never hang out and that was saying that Tim was a really good guy. With my reply, I knew she was mad because John told me she was just looking for a fight and so, carefully not to saying anything rude, I told her that I have never said anything against Tim and as for the hanging out, she was busy with homework and Tim, which is great, but John and I just started to do our own thing. She said that it wasn't her fault that we haven't met him and that it was because we were never at the apartment anymore. Then she started telling me how she didn't want to hang out with us anyways and she began to hurt my feeling really bad, so I stopped texting her. Also our parents are next door neighbors and so Sam had been telling her mom how I don't care about her, which got to my parents. So when I tried to talk to them everything was messed up and they had only heard her side of the story. Just found out she told my grandma too.
This happened a month ago. It was resolved by saying we are very busy with work but if we can hang out we will. Then when she "broke up" with Tim, we hung out at Sonic, which was weird because I was trying to figure it out with her and she said "Well if you guys want to hang out with me...." which, at that point I realized that some of our strife comes from both of us thinking we are doing each other a favor. I think that since she doesn't have any friends or a boyfriend or homework (since it is summer), she needs friends and since I am a friend I will hang out with her. She thinks she is doing us a favor to hang out since we like her.
Well later on in the month she wrote John and asked if we could all hang out on the weekend. I wrote on his phone (since I lost mine), "Hannah has a that 15 hour night shift and then an afternoon shift right after. A friend is coming into town too and is staying with her. Sorry." And Sam got really mad and said "If you don't want to hang out then. fine." Well i told her I was the one that wrote it and she was fine.
She got back together with him and then she broke up with him for the fourth time and she said that this time she is really done (a week ago). Then, a few days ago, Sam got fired from her job and she is moving back home for the summer to earn money. I was in Peta when it happened and I was with her dad and my dad. (whom don't like Tim either; as a side note). So I got on Facebook, again, since i have no phone,and I wrote her saying that I am really sorry to hear about it but I am there if she needs I am there and I love her. She wrote back and we had three nice messages then she wrote "oh btw... Tim's mom's house burnt down (He was still living there but I guess he was in the process of moving out) and I know you don't like him ... or even the thought of him but could you pray for him, that would be awesome thanks." I replied "Tim isn't some creature from the black lagoon and that of course we would pray for him. I just don't like how everything was so secretive between you guys and I never got to meet the guy who dated him best friend." Then I continued about how to get ahold of my grandma and that I might not be able to make Jessica's bridal shower because I would only have 6 hours to be in the Peta because I work a huge night shift before then I would have to drive 3 hours very tired and I have a shift after the shower. She wrote back and was rude.
Then she wrote John today and brought up Danny again. She is broken up with him, why is she still fighting about it?! The last time they talked about him was May 22nd! John apologized today about the other month and said he was very sorry about the way he acted and that she is welcome to call him anytime to hang out or to talk. Her reply was "ok thanks".
I have been working like a mad man. I worked 65 hours in 3 days last last week and I cannot catch up. I don't even have enough money to buy food. I have one meal a day which is usually popcorn and otter pops and when I get really hungry I spend money for a little bit of food. I am very fortunate to even have that much and if I ever get really desperate I will talk to my family. I am trying to save up for a wedding but I can't even keep my head above water and the only bill I have is 150 dollars for rent. So taking off time for the shower is not in the cards. The point is, I am tired and hungry and everyone continues to tell me that I need to be the bigger person and put more effort into fixing the relationship. I know they are right, but I don't even know where to begin.
Sam is my best friend and homework is a priority over me and I was never allowed to see her boyfriend. In in the truth she put homework over me and I have hung out with John more than her. I just feel that she cannot be mad at me for not hanging out. She is the only person on the planet who has delebratley hurt my feelings several times and if I talk to her about it she says "Sorry, but you really made me mad" or "he really made me mad and that's why I took it out on you." I am very stressed and I usually choose to drop things, on the inside I just want her to grow up and realize that she is not in the right. By no stretch of the imagination do I think that this is a crisis to end all crisis'. Nor am I under an illusions that Sam is not under any stress. School is very important to her and I respect that, but not over our friendship. Both Jess and I started dating around the same time, so I get that she felt left out and was lonely, but we tired to include her. She also worked as a small child handicap where she was a Nanny that ran kids around and played with them for a few hours. We have also been dealing with Rita's bulimia all year. One weekend she had overdosed on several different things and she had slept for 48 hours solid until we called her mom, and we all took her to the hospital. She also has a lot of stress... it has been a stressful year for all of us.
I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can apologize to Sam about anything. She thinks that everything is fine between us because she got her opinions out and I decided not to argue with her. BUT it is just going to keep happening and in all truthfulness if I drop it this time, the next time it happens I will just have to be done. I will always be her friend and help her if she is need but other than that, there won't be much. I know that is not loving and I won't really do that, I just want this craziness to stop.
I truly do have a great life and I need to repair a couple relationships. God says turn the other cheek. I have been beaten down by her so much this last year and I have forgiveness for her, but I don't want to give it because she isn't sorry. I need to be humble. I need to be the bigger person. I need to ask God for strength. Even if I apologize to her, I don't know what I would be apologizing for and asking God for strength... I guess my heart isn't in the right place.
If anyone has an opinion, let me hear it, even if I don't want to. Prayers are great and verses from The Bible are great too!!
She has really made me so mad this time. I don't ever get mad at people but this time I really am. For two years she as turned me down for homework. I will ask to go on a ten minute walk or hang out, but she can't because of homework. Now, this got frustrating because it was every single time, every single week. A month ago I talked to her about it and she said that "yes, homework is a priority over our friendship." Which is life and I do understand, it kinda stink, but it is life. She doesn't have any grounds to be so furious with me because we couldn't hang out though. We have been the best of friends for about 6 years, and I have known her a lot longer. She has a very servant heart, and I do love that about her. She started to date this guy, Tim, who is 14 years old than her. She was 20, now 21, he is 35. I never put her down because of it and I even encouraged it. They both worked together at a handicap place. Well they got very intimate by their second date. I too had my first boyfriend and we are very close. I have a very good relationship with him, we are going to get married. I knew him 6 months before we started dating and we had been dating for 5 months before she started dating Tim. We included her in everything that first semester when John and I started dating. It was like pulling teeth every time though, because she had homework or had to study and didn't want to go out, but John, my boyfriend, wouldn't let her off. We took her to our Valentines dinner, to movies, to work out, and everything else. We would have date nights in the living room and we told her she could chill with us. We hung out about once every other week when we did big stuff and then we would hang out almost every day just at the apartment. Second semester hit and she got too busy with homework and a few hours a week job. She didn't want to hang out no matter what we said. Then when she started dating Tim, she starting doing things with him, and we saw her even less. Now, because Tim has social anxiety, he didn't want to meet us. Whenever I brought it up she said "ok" but then we never did. She broke up with him two days later. She told John and I they were going to be friends until they could figure out where it was going, but they were still going to hold hands, go on dates, and kiss on the forehead. She told me about how physical they were and I told her my thoughts. I said that she needs to slow it down and if she wants to be friends, she HAS to play the friend part because she doesn't know him that well yet. She replied "yeah I know," but through the conversation I knew nothing would change because just kept saying her relationship was no different from mine. The conversation ended peacefully. Then she spent the night over at his house that night, so I assume they got back together. They continued to break up and get back together for three months. Every time I would try to see if we can all get together they would either, break up, or she would say his social anxiety is too bad. One time she that we couldn't come home, because Tim was there. Then a second time she asked us if we just could stay away from the apartment. I asked if we could go into our rooms and just stay there. She said no. Their relationship continued and she would consistently stay the night there but insist that all she did was study while she was there and he would be in the other room doing things. Which, I told her, I don't care if she stays there I was just wondering where she was. I really didn't care but I am not not so naive to think they never did anything especially because of how physical they were anyways.
Then she texted John a few weeks ago and started to fight with him about Tim. John didn't like how they only take walks and hang out at his house. He said didn't feel right that he was so secretive and that he thought it was weird he was living in his mom's basement. He also didn't like that Tim wouldn't ever be in public with her, which hey, I was on the same page as him. She also started to fight about how we never hang out as a group anymore. Well he said she was cheapening herself for a guy, and obviously, she blew up. Then she immediately started texting me and was mad we never hang out and that was saying that Tim was a really good guy. With my reply, I knew she was mad because John told me she was just looking for a fight and so, carefully not to saying anything rude, I told her that I have never said anything against Tim and as for the hanging out, she was busy with homework and Tim, which is great, but John and I just started to do our own thing. She said that it wasn't her fault that we haven't met him and that it was because we were never at the apartment anymore. Then she started telling me how she didn't want to hang out with us anyways and she began to hurt my feeling really bad, so I stopped texting her. Also our parents are next door neighbors and so Sam had been telling her mom how I don't care about her, which got to my parents. So when I tried to talk to them everything was messed up and they had only heard her side of the story. Just found out she told my grandma too.
This happened a month ago. It was resolved by saying we are very busy with work but if we can hang out we will. Then when she "broke up" with Tim, we hung out at Sonic, which was weird because I was trying to figure it out with her and she said "Well if you guys want to hang out with me...." which, at that point I realized that some of our strife comes from both of us thinking we are doing each other a favor. I think that since she doesn't have any friends or a boyfriend or homework (since it is summer), she needs friends and since I am a friend I will hang out with her. She thinks she is doing us a favor to hang out since we like her.
Well later on in the month she wrote John and asked if we could all hang out on the weekend. I wrote on his phone (since I lost mine), "Hannah has a that 15 hour night shift and then an afternoon shift right after. A friend is coming into town too and is staying with her. Sorry." And Sam got really mad and said "If you don't want to hang out then. fine." Well i told her I was the one that wrote it and she was fine.
She got back together with him and then she broke up with him for the fourth time and she said that this time she is really done (a week ago). Then, a few days ago, Sam got fired from her job and she is moving back home for the summer to earn money. I was in Peta when it happened and I was with her dad and my dad. (whom don't like Tim either; as a side note). So I got on Facebook, again, since i have no phone,and I wrote her saying that I am really sorry to hear about it but I am there if she needs I am there and I love her. She wrote back and we had three nice messages then she wrote "oh btw... Tim's mom's house burnt down (He was still living there but I guess he was in the process of moving out) and I know you don't like him ... or even the thought of him but could you pray for him, that would be awesome thanks." I replied "Tim isn't some creature from the black lagoon and that of course we would pray for him. I just don't like how everything was so secretive between you guys and I never got to meet the guy who dated him best friend." Then I continued about how to get ahold of my grandma and that I might not be able to make Jessica's bridal shower because I would only have 6 hours to be in the Peta because I work a huge night shift before then I would have to drive 3 hours very tired and I have a shift after the shower. She wrote back and was rude.
Then she wrote John today and brought up Danny again. She is broken up with him, why is she still fighting about it?! The last time they talked about him was May 22nd! John apologized today about the other month and said he was very sorry about the way he acted and that she is welcome to call him anytime to hang out or to talk. Her reply was "ok thanks".
I have been working like a mad man. I worked 65 hours in 3 days last last week and I cannot catch up. I don't even have enough money to buy food. I have one meal a day which is usually popcorn and otter pops and when I get really hungry I spend money for a little bit of food. I am very fortunate to even have that much and if I ever get really desperate I will talk to my family. I am trying to save up for a wedding but I can't even keep my head above water and the only bill I have is 150 dollars for rent. So taking off time for the shower is not in the cards. The point is, I am tired and hungry and everyone continues to tell me that I need to be the bigger person and put more effort into fixing the relationship. I know they are right, but I don't even know where to begin.
Sam is my best friend and homework is a priority over me and I was never allowed to see her boyfriend. In in the truth she put homework over me and I have hung out with John more than her. I just feel that she cannot be mad at me for not hanging out. She is the only person on the planet who has delebratley hurt my feelings several times and if I talk to her about it she says "Sorry, but you really made me mad" or "he really made me mad and that's why I took it out on you." I am very stressed and I usually choose to drop things, on the inside I just want her to grow up and realize that she is not in the right. By no stretch of the imagination do I think that this is a crisis to end all crisis'. Nor am I under an illusions that Sam is not under any stress. School is very important to her and I respect that, but not over our friendship. Both Jess and I started dating around the same time, so I get that she felt left out and was lonely, but we tired to include her. She also worked as a small child handicap where she was a Nanny that ran kids around and played with them for a few hours. We have also been dealing with Rita's bulimia all year. One weekend she had overdosed on several different things and she had slept for 48 hours solid until we called her mom, and we all took her to the hospital. She also has a lot of stress... it has been a stressful year for all of us.
I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can apologize to Sam about anything. She thinks that everything is fine between us because she got her opinions out and I decided not to argue with her. BUT it is just going to keep happening and in all truthfulness if I drop it this time, the next time it happens I will just have to be done. I will always be her friend and help her if she is need but other than that, there won't be much. I know that is not loving and I won't really do that, I just want this craziness to stop.
I truly do have a great life and I need to repair a couple relationships. God says turn the other cheek. I have been beaten down by her so much this last year and I have forgiveness for her, but I don't want to give it because she isn't sorry. I need to be humble. I need to be the bigger person. I need to ask God for strength. Even if I apologize to her, I don't know what I would be apologizing for and asking God for strength... I guess my heart isn't in the right place.
If anyone has an opinion, let me hear it, even if I don't want to. Prayers are great and verses from The Bible are great too!!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Working Like Dog... at least Dogs get sleep
This is actually just a run down of my schedule.
Worked a Friday graveyard shift from 6pm-8am then worked 1-5 Saturday than a shift all day Monday. Tuesday I had off, went to work and visited Johnie. Tuesday night drove to Boise by myself and spent two days there and got back Friday, technically, at 1am. got a few hours of sleep (4). Then went to work from 11:30am-4pm and got a two hour break then went to the Friday night shift again 6pm-8am, then went to work from 1-5 and THEN went to the PAC and ushered until 9 THEN went to a required work BBQ. THEN went home and got to chill and watch a movie, but i couldn't sleep.
After all of that, I tried to get a little sleep but went to work on Sunday again from 1-4, and found out that morning that his dad filled his rafting boat and got really really sick and was coming home. Saw the Johnie's car was missing when i got back from work, and I knew he was at work without his car. Found out that the bank took it and it really HONESTLY wasn't his fault. Called my dad and he and my mom decided to talk about my sister, who is upset with me, and was telling me how I need to be the more mature one and give 180% when she gives 30%, which was upsetting because I can't seem to muster up the energy. Then I went to the grocery store and got Otter Pops and Dog food and picked Johnie up. Poor guy was stressed out as it was. Then, I changed into a very comfortable t shirt and was very ready to take a load off, but things happen and we had to take his dad to the hospital, which took time but was sorely needed and I volunteered to go.
Then got a few hours of sleep and I worked from 8:30am-9pm today, and here is the break down of that. Roved from 8:30-12:30, break, 2:30-7 at the Rendezvous. On my break, I had to call my mom because my best friend, whom I have been having issues with, was seemingly trying to pick a fight, again, and I really needed advice because I was really ready to explode. Then from 7pm-9pm I am running lights for a show which stresses me out. I am a techie and an actress but I hate running lights and sounds because mistakes can't be covered up...
I, needless to say, am ready to be done.
Yes, I know it could be worse. I am not even mad, angry, or upset. I am even not tired (with the whole 18 hours of sleep in 4 nights). My whole body is just done and done
Worked a Friday graveyard shift from 6pm-8am then worked 1-5 Saturday than a shift all day Monday. Tuesday I had off, went to work and visited Johnie. Tuesday night drove to Boise by myself and spent two days there and got back Friday, technically, at 1am. got a few hours of sleep (4). Then went to work from 11:30am-4pm and got a two hour break then went to the Friday night shift again 6pm-8am, then went to work from 1-5 and THEN went to the PAC and ushered until 9 THEN went to a required work BBQ. THEN went home and got to chill and watch a movie, but i couldn't sleep.
After all of that, I tried to get a little sleep but went to work on Sunday again from 1-4, and found out that morning that his dad filled his rafting boat and got really really sick and was coming home. Saw the Johnie's car was missing when i got back from work, and I knew he was at work without his car. Found out that the bank took it and it really HONESTLY wasn't his fault. Called my dad and he and my mom decided to talk about my sister, who is upset with me, and was telling me how I need to be the more mature one and give 180% when she gives 30%, which was upsetting because I can't seem to muster up the energy. Then I went to the grocery store and got Otter Pops and Dog food and picked Johnie up. Poor guy was stressed out as it was. Then, I changed into a very comfortable t shirt and was very ready to take a load off, but things happen and we had to take his dad to the hospital, which took time but was sorely needed and I volunteered to go.
Then got a few hours of sleep and I worked from 8:30am-9pm today, and here is the break down of that. Roved from 8:30-12:30, break, 2:30-7 at the Rendezvous. On my break, I had to call my mom because my best friend, whom I have been having issues with, was seemingly trying to pick a fight, again, and I really needed advice because I was really ready to explode. Then from 7pm-9pm I am running lights for a show which stresses me out. I am a techie and an actress but I hate running lights and sounds because mistakes can't be covered up...
I, needless to say, am ready to be done.
Yes, I know it could be worse. I am not even mad, angry, or upset. I am even not tired (with the whole 18 hours of sleep in 4 nights). My whole body is just done and done
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
so in love... but why
Have you ever wanted something... not really like what you are thinking? More been drawn to something... kind of. It is more of, have you ever loved something so much and have no idea why? mine is water and Ireland. i have never been to Ireland. There is something about their accents, there's something about their land. I can't explain it. AND water... weird as it seems. The ocean. I just see it and I love it. i truely truely love it. I do, I do. it makes me calm and happy. not the sounds it makes... just the water. (Oddly enough pools do not cover this spectrum) pretty much everything else does those. It's weird.
Maybe i'm not the only one. Maybe I am just a normal person who feels abnormally drawn?
Maybe i'm not the only one. Maybe I am just a normal person who feels abnormally drawn?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
the feeling
We have these grand ideas and dreams of what things are supposed to be. Or we have these ideals that 'it would be so amazing if'. I am not lecturing on the 'if' because I believe it can be very useful. I just watched the notebook, why is it so amazing? It is because of the feeling they have. It's not necessarily the fact that he climbed a Ferris wheel for a date, it's not necessarily the fact that they spend every second together... it's the feeling.
Let me explain. Especially with romance movies, we think oh how amazing he is, because of the things he does or the things he wears or how he looks. Here's the thing. People say "you have to be careful that you are not living in a fantasy world because that stuff isn't realistic" ... but I say maybe. I believe that we just miss the opportunities to feel it because we are so caught up on how it should be done.
Let me explain. Especially with romance movies, we think oh how amazing he is, because of the things he does or the things he wears or how he looks. Here's the thing. People say "you have to be careful that you are not living in a fantasy world because that stuff isn't realistic" ... but I say maybe. I believe that we just miss the opportunities to feel it because we are so caught up on how it should be done.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
but it's what i want
Should you ever fight for something you want? I am not talking about fighting for world peace or loving others. I'll be frank with what I am talking about. Guys and Friends. I like a guy but many other girls like him and I actually like all the girls that like him. Do I fight for it or not? If anything did happen then is it selfish? Then I have what I want, but the other girls are left to linger. I am taking time away from MY friends that need me, that need my encouragement and time.
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