Under Water

I kind of feel like I am drowning. Not being pulled under the water but it feels like I am swimming and never coming up for air. On the weekend when I do come up for air it is only for an hour to dream of not having to swim all the time. To put it more simply and metaphorically; it is like swimming under the water and you are completely out of breath. You are unconscious and get only enough air to wake up, then you are submerged again. Just swimming alone under the water. In reality swimming is my favorite pass time, especially swimming by myself, but it feels like something different. It feels so unnaturally forced and it is like there is no escape. All I have to do is rise above this sea level but I just can't seem to do it.

The Ocean I am swimming in is not dangerous, I am not tied to the bottom, the waves are not crashing down upon me, and the water feels fine. I think I feel that I have this imaginary rope holding me down and ever so often I can break free for only a split second.

It is easy for me just to say, I am done or I can't take it anymore because I know all things are possible with God. The thing is I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to babysit, I don't want to work, I don't want to go away for college, I don't want to worry about money, and I don't want to be stressed out and upset ALL THE TIME!!!! I use to never cry now I cry at least once a week. It is Monday and I have already let go once, usually about Wednesday through Friday it will happen once or twice too.

I don't feel overwhelmed. I don't feel hopeless. I don't feel like I have been abandoned. I don't feel scared. I simply feel tired. I am tired of waking up exhausted before the day begins. I am tired of having to just lay on the floor to get a hold of my head. I am tired of bawling just to get a grip. I am tired of running this never ending race.

I can see the end, but I don't know why i should get there in the way that I am doing it. Now I am changing to a race parallel. When I run a mile, I am sometimes halfway through and I am totally exhausted. My lungs hurt, my shoulders hurt, and my legs hurt. So what do I do? I decide to walk. Why not? Of course I can see the end and yes, if I keep running I will get their faster, but why do it faster. "You gotta keep it fun" says my dad. So, I stop and walk for a bit.
Well, I wish I could do that in life. I just keep running and running. There is no reason I should keep going, but I can't stop. The finish line is there, but I have no energy to get there. Yes, even if I crawl or drag myself I will make it there eventually, but is that really how I want to run every race?!

I have to last 13 more weeks, God is giving me the strength, because I truly truly have NONE left... and the week hasn't even begun