anger

i know that love is stronger the hate and that there is a saying that says that love and hate are closely allied, which I do not believe. My thought is that anger pushes out love so much more easily that love replaces anger. Anger hurts others more than anything. I am not talking about being angry at yourself. I am talking about when you are angry something didn't happen or you are angry because someone did something. Unless they belligerently are making you mad, i don't think you should get mad. Most of the time people get mad at the accidents or the mistakes or the innocent mishaps or confusion. Why then do people get mad? If someone hurts your feelings, what good is gettting mad at them, other than to say "congradulations, you have made me mad!" It doesn't exactly change their mind on the subject. It might made them feel guilty and sometimes rethink. but not always

Loving

I wonder if people make themselves love. There is such a thing as falling in love, but once you are detached for such an amount of time you feel that need for someone. That's why people date when they are not really looking for a serious placement. People need to feel that.
What about when they don't deserve it? Do people really deserve to fall in love, to be loved? Technically they don't. So what happens if you do? What happens if you dont? How do you know? If you think you love someone but then they don't love you? How does love even start?
I can't even get to the liking part. haha

If this is where you have me...

A wise man once told me that I will to stop hanging on and let go. Breath out and let go. That same man also said that we try to save our butts too many times. Instead maybe we should try telling God that "if this is where you have me, this is where I will find my peace." Paul did. He was in chains in the Roman prison! You know what he asked the Philippians to pray for... boldness. He didn't ask them to pray for salvation or a way of escape... he prayed for boldness.He prayed that where he was at, he would be able to preach the gospel with boldness. Wow.

Peter also before he was going to get his head chopped off, fell asleep!!! FELL ASLEEP!! Most of us would be stressing out... but Peter had the peace of God and he fell asleep. So many times we look past the blessing that are right in front of our faces. God has a purpose for your life. Even if you are feeling lame and miserable, or confused, or frustrated, God is using ALL of that to prepare you for your full potential. . . which is a whole nother story.

Have Hope and Be Encouraged

Paul the Apsotle's secret

You know, Paul is an amazing guy. He really is. He "found the secret to being content in every situation whether hungry or well fed." (Philippians) The last couple months of my life have been all about that. I was not content, I was hungry. What's his secret? Well the one that was pointed out to me was "Do not be anxious for anything but in everything with prayer and supplication." It's a famous one but if you go on it's says that God will give you peace. That's how.

Goodnight and Goodluck

Somehow somewhere, there are people who are getting through life worse off than I am. That is why I never open my mouth and complain... well I don't do it too much. That's why i have this here blogger. That way I am write whatever I want and not feel guilty about bringing someone else down, or feel like I am complaining.

I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no clue. I have two papers, two tests, and a chapter of the most dry boring reading in the world.. all due in four days. That may seem like a lot, but when you still have to work and are so exhasted you can't even drive... that's a problem. I am sick now too, literally. Stuffy nose, bit of a soar throat, and my stomach goes in and out of funks.

Even more, it is like no matter what time of day, i feel like collapsing on the floor and curling into a ball. Like shutting out the whole universe, just to be alone and breath. I do not want this anymore. The glass is full, and more water keeps on being poured in, because no one is looking down to see if it is full or not!!! COME ON!!!!

Cry me a River

That's what it is like. A loud, non-peaceful river that never ceases. It gets damed up like it is supposed to, then once or twice (this week three time), the dam breaks the a river flows. Where in the world is all of these tears coming from?! Seriously!

what?

I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. Of course I can. With God I can do the impossible. The fact is just that I am done. I don't understand anything in my life right now, other than i learn new things everyday. What in the world is the point to this? I just don't want to do it anymore, and that is simply it. I don't want to do any of it.

Under Water

I kind of feel like I am drowning. Not being pulled under the water but it feels like I am swimming and never coming up for air. On the weekend when I do come up for air it is only for an hour to dream of not having to swim all the time. To put it more simply and metaphorically; it is like swimming under the water and you are completely out of breath. You are unconscious and get only enough air to wake up, then you are submerged again. Just swimming alone under the water. In reality swimming is my favorite pass time, especially swimming by myself, but it feels like something different. It feels so unnaturally forced and it is like there is no escape. All I have to do is rise above this sea level but I just can't seem to do it.

The Ocean I am swimming in is not dangerous, I am not tied to the bottom, the waves are not crashing down upon me, and the water feels fine. I think I feel that I have this imaginary rope holding me down and ever so often I can break free for only a split second.

It is easy for me just to say, I am done or I can't take it anymore because I know all things are possible with God. The thing is I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to babysit, I don't want to work, I don't want to go away for college, I don't want to worry about money, and I don't want to be stressed out and upset ALL THE TIME!!!! I use to never cry now I cry at least once a week. It is Monday and I have already let go once, usually about Wednesday through Friday it will happen once or twice too.

I don't feel overwhelmed. I don't feel hopeless. I don't feel like I have been abandoned. I don't feel scared. I simply feel tired. I am tired of waking up exhausted before the day begins. I am tired of having to just lay on the floor to get a hold of my head. I am tired of bawling just to get a grip. I am tired of running this never ending race.

I can see the end, but I don't know why i should get there in the way that I am doing it. Now I am changing to a race parallel. When I run a mile, I am sometimes halfway through and I am totally exhausted. My lungs hurt, my shoulders hurt, and my legs hurt. So what do I do? I decide to walk. Why not? Of course I can see the end and yes, if I keep running I will get their faster, but why do it faster. "You gotta keep it fun" says my dad. So, I stop and walk for a bit.
Well, I wish I could do that in life. I just keep running and running. There is no reason I should keep going, but I can't stop. The finish line is there, but I have no energy to get there. Yes, even if I crawl or drag myself I will make it there eventually, but is that really how I want to run every race?!

I have to last 13 more weeks, God is giving me the strength, because I truly truly have NONE left... and the week hasn't even begun

life is.... a game?

Maybe life really is a game thathas to be played.

I don't truely believe this at all.

I know there is a plan for me and it will all come in good time. I don't know what to do with this
"good time" in the meanwhile. What is there to do? My hopes and dreams are still the same as when I was a child but now at the beginning of my life, I don't know what to do. More than that, I don't know where to start.

The point of trials and the testing of faith is to be learn to "perservere so that you may be complete and perfect". But the light of hope seems dim when you can't see an end, even though you know it's there. Maybe it is like trying to find a light switch in the dark. You don't know where it is, it is just darkness. You know the switch is there but you have to let your hands and the wall find it before the light turns on.

I don't want to wish my life away.

It's love that makes us turn

If we have love then we will be without nohing. Love conquers and reminds us all that there is hope and dreams to be had. Love is what changes the world. Not the kind of love Joe has for Jane, but an all around unconditional love. Like what God gave us through his son.